moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Friday, September 24, 2004

PLEASE DON'T REPLY

"Hi. I really wish I could have been there for you. Miss na kita. I still love you. Please don't reply." These were the words in your last mssage. These words made me think. Let me see...I am not supposed to reply. Very unlikely.

Looking back, you've always been there for me, through everything. We used to see each other every time you got tired of your girlfriend and I felt taken for granted by my better half. That was before we had this crazy idea that we could actually have something other than platonic love. When the time came that we were both unattached, we took a shot at it but it didn't work. Thanks to me, I guess.

I miss you too. I miss it how I could tell you everything. You are one of the few persons who really know me...how I think, what makes me laugh and what makes me cry. I was lucky to have that kind of friendship with you. I am used to being strong for other people. With you, I could be weak, and angry, and selfish...and it would still be okay. That was then. Now, I couldn't even text you because I'm afraid to bother you and mess with your life that's going well without me.

Hmm, you still love me? I remember, after I told you we just can't be in a relationship, you told me, "Maybe you just don't love me enough or you don't love me at all". To be fair to you, my friend...I realized I didn't love you enough to risk our friendship by being with you that way. But I loved you. And I loved you so much more before you even had an inkling you could fall for me. But that came too late. You loved me after you had your biggest heartbreak, after which everybody else was just not good enough to make you forget her. Or, I could have just imagined that.

Please don't reply. You're always with your new girlfriend. Out of respect for her and your relationship, I decided against sending my reply to you. Someday We'll figure out a way to talk the way we used to...when we were really good friends, when it was great just to have my best friend in you. Good luck on your newfound love.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Damn Lucky Garfield

I force myself to read and understand Income Taxation as thunder warns me of the raging storm that's about to come. I cramp all the information I could into my tired brain as I ignore the fact that my whole being wants to do something else, any thing other than this. I could just imagine how the warmth of the coffee mug in my hand and thick socks on my feet would feel. Instead of being with books and readings I could be in bed with my lethargic and overslept Garfield stuffy right now.

I read the first paragraph I wrote and realize how lengthy my sentences were. I am really tired. I want to go home. I can see it already. I will open the door, relieve myself in the CR, run upstairs, throw my bag and jump into bed. I will hug Garfield whom I missed and envied so much. I will remove my jacket, turn on the radio and sing my heart out. Sad, melancholic songs. Angsty, angry and frustrated...that's how I will sound for about three to nine minutes. When that's done I will shift to my perky, bright and sunny mood. Insane, indeed I am.

I'm walkin on sunshine, oh oh ooh...I will be eating the chocolates I've stored and almost forgotten about. Ah, bliss. Women and chocolates. I will dance my lazy ass until I've satisfied the party animal in me. It's been a long time since I last got jiggy (Will Smith, yummy). Libis was the place. It felt liberating to set aside books and readings just to be with friends and enjoy myself. It was refreshing to stay awake until the morning came, not for the purpose of reviewing for class. That was ages ago, though.

Today, I sit here and take a few minutes away from my study desk. The text I'm reading is just too boring. And, the computer was too tempting. This week I am to study for and get passing marks for a few exams. This month, I have to exert all energy I got to get by until the semester ends. This semester will determine whether or not I shall become untouchable and will actually get to graduate in a year. 23 has proved to be a really difficult and fun age. My 23rd year has been pretty contemplative. How I will handle the 24th might just be determinative of how the rest of my life will be. Scary thought there.

Speaking of scary thoughts, I will force myself to hit the books now. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to answer anything. Why, oh why, do I need to study Taxation? My Professor, in response to this query, said 'After all, death and taxes are the only things certain in this life'. And I say, there's just too much life out there I am missing on just to learn Tax. I wouldn't be surprised if I die of boredom here. Thunder roars again teasingly, reminding me of sleep, my alternative lifestyle, and how deprived of it I am these days. Damn lucky Garfield!

Friday, September 03, 2004

Kagulat Ka

Nakakagulat pala talaga ang mga pagbabago na dala ng ilang taong di pagkikita. Matindi. Tipong, "Ikaw ba yan?". Ikaw nga ba talaga yun? Parang ibang tao kasi yung nakita ko at nakausap. Hindi naman sa hindi kapani-paniwala pero astig lang. Alam mo yun?

Mahusay ang naging pagbabago mo. Mas matikas ka na ngayon, hindi na tipong matatangay ng hangin. Hindi ka naman naging 'macho' na nakakadiri. Matipuno na tama lang, seksi kumbaga. Pero di ko naman masasabing highly improbable yun mangyari noon, noong totoy ka pa lang. Basta pwede ka na ngayong sandalan, lalo na sa gitna ng balikat at braso.

Sa maikling usapan natin, nahinuha ko na prinsipyado ka na ngayon. Ikaw na yung tipong nagmumuni-muni sa gabi bago matulog. Siguro may mga plano ka na para sa hinaharap, handang sumagot sa mga interview questions tulad nang, "How do you see yourself five years from now?". Siguro planado mo na ang maraming bagay, di tulad dati na pagpili lang ng ulam para sa lunch hirap ka pa mag-decide. Mukha kang level-headed person ngayon. You seem to be in control of your life.

Confidence, yan ang meron ka ngayon na hindi kapansin-pansin dati. Nahalata ko yan nung nakipagusap ka sa akin na walang kakurap-kurap. Kapag nagsasalita ka in response to my questions, tipong without hesitation. Alam na alam mo na ngayon pa lang kung ano ang gusto mo pagipunan, kung saan mo gusto tumira, at kung anong klaseng buhay ang gusto mo. Ikaw ba talaga yan? Dati mahilig ka lang magbasketball at magpatawa, tapos mag-burger bago umuwi.

Malapit na tayo maghiwalay nang malaman ko na marunong ka pa rin palang magsaya. Kapag weekends gumigimik ka pa rin pala. Once a week nagba-basketball ka pa rin. Tinanong mo pa nga ako, "magaling ka pa rin ba mag-tres?". Sabi ko oo. Sabi mo, "Syempre, ako nagturo sa'yo ng follow-through mo e." Napangiti ako. Napapangiti mo pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.

Paalis na ako pero ayaw ko pa. Na-miss pala kita. Ang tagal na rin kasi nating hindi nagkikita. Nasanay na ako na hindi ka nakakausap. Noong una, nahirapan ako na di ka nakakasama, close friends kasi tayo. Noong umalis ka pinilit ko gumawa ng bagong memories na hindi ka kasama. Naghanap ako ng ibang mga kasama kumain, magsimba, manuod ng sine at magbasketball sa court kapag walang games. Nang tumagal naging madali na lang para sa akin na di ka maisip, hanggang sa nagkaroon ako ng Friendster account.

Sa Friendster, hinanap kita ng maraming beses, paulit-ulit. Wala ka naman dun e. Yan, yan ang bagay na hindi ko nasabi sa'yo bago tayo tuluyang maghiwalay ulit. Di ka pa naman ganun kalayo, pwede pa kitang tawagin. Pwede pa kong tumakbo papunta sa direksyon mo at tanungin ka, "Ano na pala number mo ngayon? Dun ka pa ba nakatira? Pwede ba tayo magkita ulit?". Ang dami kong gusto itanong. Ang dami kong dapat itanong, at sabihin. Pero tanga ako...wala akong nasabi, wala akong nagawa. Nakatanga akong naglakad papalayo. Parang dati, noong papaalis ka na pero di ka magpapaalam sa akin. May tampuhan kasi tayo noon. Di naman ako nakontento na hindi tayo makapagapaalam sa isa't-isa. Ang layo kaya ng pupuntahan mo, ang tagal mo kayang mawawala. Baka nga hindi na kita makita.

Ngayon, nakita na kita ulit pero anong nangyari? Wala. Dumating ka ulit sa buhay ko pero nawala ka na naman na parang bula. Kaninong kasalanan? Wala, walang may kasalanan. Pero katangahan talaga na di kita kinausap nang mas matagal, na hindi ko sinabing gusto kita makita ulit, na hindi ko sinabing, "Oo nga pala, minahal kita".

Masyado na akong maswerte kung makita pa kita ulit. Masyadong marami na akong prinaktis na gusto ko sabihin sa harap mo. Masyado lang kasi akong natatameme kapag nandyan ka na e. Sa susunod kasi, huwag mo ako masyado gulatin para di ako matanga.

(Medyo FICTIONAL 'to ha.)