moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Giving In

Rain falls hard on the roof. I twist and turn, reaching for my pillow. I clutch hard on it as I try to overcome my drowsiness. I open my eyes and see the ceiling is still the same color. I look around the room and take comfort in its familiar mess. I stretch and yawn, waiting for my body to feel the urge to start moving.

I turn on the radio and search for music that will perk me up. I can feel laziness in the air. The wind tells me everybody else is not in the mood to go through his routine. I give in to my bed's invitation, again. I am about to close my eyes, then I hesitate for a moment. Something is bothering me. Some thought wouldn't let me go back to sleep.

You start to fill my thoughts. Pictures of you flash before me...laughing, singing intently, playing your guitar, expressing a political opinion, staring at me, being sad, and making me smile.
I place my right foot over the left one, put my hair over my face, bite my lower lip and take a deep breath.

It's unusual for me to think of you this early, this long, this way. It's unusual for me to think of you. I didn't think much of you before. You were always just part of scenes playing in my mind. You were always in the background, your voice drowning in all the noise. Noise, this is the first time I realize that. Everybody else is just making noise. It is only you who make sense to me.

I think of you some more. Wait, what day is it? How many days have passed since I last saw you? When was the last time you sent me a message, an e-mail? When was the last time you called? How are you doing? Why, now, do I suddenly care? Do you care? Do you think of me, this early, this long, this way? Do you think of me?

When is my next chance to see you? I think I need to see you. I stretch and turn, face down. I have this desire to hear your voice, this urge to be where you are. I look around the room and hate the fact that you're not there. I stare at the ceiling, it's the same color but it looks like a canvas waiting to bear beauty and confusion. I hug my pillow softly, wishing it were you. Rain falls harder on the roof.

I turn the volume up a notch. The music stirs my soul, playing with my emotions. The air doesn't feel the same. The wind beckons, disturbing my peace of mind. I have to see you today. I will get out of my comfortable bed and let this feeling turn my serene world upside down. My bed is not as inviting anymore. And so, I give in.