moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Hoping I'm More Ed than Lloyd

I must admit I am Lloyd, sometimes. Much as I would like to be Ed -responsible, confident, in control compared to his brother- I am not. I may have characteristics which are very Ed but my Lloyd traits unfortunately define me more than the Ed traits do. I amk kind of hoping reverse psychology would work for me. Hm, let me see...

I'd definitely stick with StuckyBowl. I've never been the Strikes kind of person. Plus, I would never spend such huge amount of money for a sign...because I tend to rely more on nostalgia and camaraderie than advertising and flashy, shiny come-ons. However, I'm not really sure if I'd be able to actually accept that life (and business) is about 7 am meetings with bank managers, advertisers (and clients who'd rely on their attorney for sound legal advice). Like Lloyd, I could probably convince people to sell beer to me at a considerably lesser price but I wouldn't be bragging much about it. I deal with insecurity differently. I don't tend to brag because I think that would make people see what I'm trying to make up for. But, I'd really go for lots of beer, regardless of the price (I know this is immaterial). What else? Like LLoyd I have this tendency to try and slow down (not get out of the picture though) when things get rough. I don't try to get away by going far but I still manage to detach myself from people if need be. I guess I can be unnecessarily forgiving and generous like Ed, to a fault (to be redundant but to emphasize my point). I wouldn't try to charm my way into reconciliation by cutting my pinkie but I wouldn't also know any way to be affectionate. I am emotionally constipated and have problems with disagreement and owning up to mistakes. However, I have moments of level headedness and clarity like Ed does. And, like him, success for me isn't really about money or big cases. It is about happiness, which lies in every day events like making a fool of yourself with your friends and chasing after the girl who feels like home. Hm, I'm hoping that the Ed in me prevails over the lethargic yet potentially distracting Lloyd who lurks around...and knocks on the helpless Ed every time the former gets a bright idea.

I guess every one is a Lloyd, needing to be assured that he is good at some things...by people who love him. I would like to believe that I'm an Ed, at least most of the time. That there are just moments of weakness when Lloyd surfaces, moments when Ed still is able to step up and be on top of the situation...despite letting Lloyd distract him e little bit. Lloyd tells Ed to be thankful because, "You have the lawyer gene and I have the weird gene". Weird is good sometimes but not when it defines you, and you're forty...broke and lacking any sense of identity, dignity and self-respect. I'm not saying I want to be Ed because he is the professional. I want to be Ed because he can still be fun yet responsible. Spontaneity is good when it helps enhance life and enrich your experience of it. There ought to be a safe extent of certainty in one's life. Otherwise, life would feel like it is a problem to be solved... because you fail to actually have time for the unexpected, beautiful things it deals you. That could happen if you're busy catching up with your backlogs and dealing with your hang-ups.

"Life is not to be solved, it is to be lived."


*Just some ramblings on the latest episode of Ed. Won't make sense but I intended this for an audince of one (me) for future moments of contemplation.