wishlist

this day i realized...there is still a lot to learn and do. life indeed is short. i wish i could either lengthen it or make every day count...

walk

sometimes i think to myself...maybe it's not about doing the right thing or being the right person. maybe it's not about that all the time. maybe, just maybe, it's good enough that you realize you did wrong or that you could do a lot better. maybe that would be good enough just for now.

i used to get why excuses always were lame, no matter what the situation was. now, i just can't help but see the whole picture. and from where i'm standing the whole picture is mostly gray. it is so much harder to see black and white now. the lines remain blurry even as the sobriety comes in.

all this probably seems a sorry attempt at justification. you are always entitled to see it that way but you can also try to walk a little further with these blistered feet. i just don't have shoes for you to try on, not right now. most of those shoes, a lot of those roles in life, have been worn out or have rendered me weary. i took them off before they got torn. obviously, i made a lot of mistakes along the way.

that's all i've gathered so far...i've made mistakes. i'm probably not gonna be able to chew on how bad those mistakes were. not yet. the cycle of being wronged and doing people wrong has rendered me confused. it's gonna take some time before things would have settled and i'd be back to keen mode again. for now, i'm glad to just have my quiet time every once in a while.

quiet and peaceful need not coincide after all. until such time that i'd be able to reclaim my serenity back, i'd be more than glad to walk myself away from 'wrong'. and, in silence, i'd hope that just knowing would lead me to where right clearly is.

"i want to ride my bicycle..."

Poor Fellows

What it takes on this planet,
to make love to each other in peace.
Everyone pries under your sheets,
everyone interferes with your loving.
They say terrible things about a man and a woman,
who after much milling about,
all sorts of compunctions,
do something unique,
they both lie with each other in one bed.
I ask myself whether frogs are so furtive,
or sneeze as they please.
Whether they whisper to each other in swamps about illegitimate frogs,
or the joys of amphibious living.
I ask myself if birds single out enemy birds,
or bulls gossip with bullocks before they go out in public with cows.
Even the roads have eyes and the parks their police.
Hotels spy on their guests,
windows name names,
canons and squadrons debark on missions to liquidate love.
All those ears and those jaws working incessantly,
till a man and his girl
have to raise their climax,
full tilt,
on a bicycle.

-Pablo Neruda

fleeting

i got a really bad hangover...and i wanna hang myself. let me ramble and be cryptic.

i have no right to rant and whine about my relationships because i've always had options. i can always try to deceive myself, to make believe that i'm a victim of circumstances...but i just ain't. all the relationships i had, i wanted to be there. i was always the one who made the choice to jump in. all the times i passed up on the chance to be with some person, that was all me.

so, this brings us back to my preliminary point. getting into a relationship has always been a choice, it's never been accidental. never. getting out is a different matter altogether, though. and in that area, my getting out or being pushed away for that matter has always been rather stunningly drastic...unforgivingly abrupt.

hm, let me keep myself on track. it's not really relationships i wanted to rant on. i was contemplating about the convenience of not having to relate at all. i know this sounds rather cold but lately i've been clued in on why and how men act the way they do...and why they enjoy being such detached creatures. men, or most of them at least, are so focused on getting what they want, they tend to disregard or trivialize everything else. and so, this stance helps them get what they wanna pounce on at the moment.

on the other hand, women are almost always left in a position of neediness because they are trained to put premium on emotional attachment, which of course men deprive them of. without hesitation, without explanation. worse, this difference in attitude makes men mysterious to women and make the latter crave for more attention from the very men who left them hanging. tsk tsk.

if women want to avoid being stuck in this rut,they have to demystify these men they set their sights on. these men should be seen for what they are. it's time to stop providing for them the justifications they lamely attempt to make. it's time to accept the facts. men are predictably weak in the area of fidelity but they try to cover this up...miserably, they fail. so, they try to be vague about it and hope they'd never have to explain. once the women in these men's lives get this, it would be easier to see why men can be with you but cannot relate to you most of the time.

most men are not emotionally available, even if they try to be. women have to bear this in mind so they wouldn't have to blame themselves when things just wouldn't work. sometimes, men just can't have enough...even if the women who stick with them are simply the greatest things they got going in their hormone-driven lives.

old skin

a lot of things being unclear, i take in whatever i can from my everyday. i take whatever life has to offer. not having a you to address i take pleasure in this sense of detachment. no mine to speak of, i pause and observe the world. and, after a few more clicks of the retractable pen, i realize i am at peace with the world again.

even if i don't really like what i'm wearing now...even if i don't really earn enough to support even just myself...even if i'm still uncertain whether i'm simply wounded for now or for always...i sit here and read, watch people, tinker with my phone, sip coffee, and wait for sundown. i sit here and realize that something important just happened...rather unceremoniously.

just now, i have become brave again. i am yet to regain my strength but i found the courage to give myself a chance once more...a chance to make decisions, fail, and then hopefully learn.

huh,all that sounds elementary...fall and then pick up yourself. come to think of it, i first learned these lessons when i was five. they prove to be true even at 25.

i've still got a long way to go. i've got a lot of concerns to settle. for now, i'd have to go pick clothes i'm actually comfortable with. i just don't like what i've been carrying with me, not anymore. for that i'd have to travel home or find replacement here, now. whatever, I JUST REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OLD SKIN NOW.