moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

tandayan

when i was a kid,there was a period of time when every night, before i go to sleep, i would cry. i cried because i was scared of losing my parents. i cowered at the thought that one day i would have to live my life apart from them. i never figured out what triggered that. that phase is probably a normal part of childhood.

i never had the chance to tell my parents about that fear. i just made sure they wouldn't hear me. the crying spells went on for a few weeks...i just tried to assure myself, "it's gonna be okay. they will always be there to watch over you until you're ready to be on your own." one night, i just stopped crying. i guess it was at that point that i actually started to look forward to one day becoming an adult, willing and able to take care of myself.

here, now...i am actually supposed to be one...an adult who's self-sufficient. besides, i'm now entitled to take care of my own affairs, enjoy my independence and complete free will. i am to relish everything that comes with this label...supposedly. somehow, i find myself wishing i could go back to that time when i would snuggle beside my parents when i got scared or sad. sometimes, when i get tired of being an adult, i wish really hard that even for just a second i could be that helpless kid again...crying out of fear and neediness. at least, as a kid i allowed myself to cling with all my might to my parents' protective love. now, i just use all my might to try and let go of all my weakness. problem is, i just don't have that strength to be strong enough on my own.

maybe it's time to realize that even an adult needs to get weak every now and then...that "on my own" need not be the goal. maybe the pretention makes me weaker now than when i used to cry like a baby. maybe strength and independence do not necessarily have to be mutually exclusive.

maybe it's about time i let somebody hear me crying...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

karma cameleon

and now, karma smiles upon me again...

things to be happy about: not so futile attempts at learning to play the guitar, (going to) subic with c sluts, (planning) punta fuego with twopa, 2+1 superdry at quattro with val,ritz,(&who else), Ed & Stuckeybowl, being officially a member of the workforce, (finally) having watched a movie after 2 moons(The Departed rocks!), buying a tiny (my very own) Christmas tree, the UP church (CRL), the academic oval, the masci97 boards, pizza dinner(s) with jazz, being home with my family, endless tongits, videoke, and oktoberfest sessions with my (ever-loved)cousins and beL (the adopted), online music, john cusack movies, being ninang to amusing kids, life planning chats with cling, email exchanges with bing, ex-bashing talks with sj, phone conversations with baby Batching, tropicana twister, my brother's chopsuey, chocolate, 3in1 coffee, ever-supportive blockmates,(as always) sound advice from golds and cgeL, blog therapy, warm(reeza,grace,&anne), perky(andrew tups) friends who tolerate my whining, patient phonebuddy =),becoming an adult (just slightly noticing it) with eya & dian, being able to put my hair in a ponytail again.

whew! all that, just this week. God must really love me!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

couldn't

okay, here's the deal. i am sorry. and i hate it that i cannot tell it to you personally...more sorry that i had to break it to you that way. you may think i was such an ass, that i used the bar as a convenient excuse...that i probably took for granted the friendship we had. there's no use trying to be the good guy. i just wanna say i know i hurt you and that you didn't deserve that....but i'd hurt you more if i let you give more time, more of yourself to me. because...

because i couldn't give you what you need from me. because i was all confused and scared, and maybe weak. honestly, i can't say if i was selfish for not ending it sooner...i guess i just wanted to give it a chance. but everything--the circumstances, the person that i've become, my responsibilities, my history, the things i wanna stay away from, the issues i no longer want to deal with...all those things and a lot more got in the way. these are not excuses, though. i'm sure you'll mock the lame attempt at explanation...but i'd give that to you. at least that.

you can mock, hate me, and doubt my sincerity all you want. but that's all i have for you...i am sorry for hurting you. i know that won't change things. i wouldn't dare ask for more from you. i won't ask you to forgive me, because in that case that would be for me and my peace of mind. and that's not what i want. what i want is for your hurting to stop...because i know how hurting hurts, how pain is too painful sometimes. i just really wish you'd find the person who'll finally listen to you and see the real you. i can't be that person. i'm not brave enough to tread that path again, the path where being in a relationship means having to work for it...having to take risks...and being vulnerable to all that is hurtful though beautiful.

i used to be that person, giddy, warm, and sensitive. now, i'm just not. and i will not be able to forgive myself if i ever even just asked you to wait for me to be that person again. because the world still is bright and promising to you. you offered me that chance to see things in that light again, if only i'd take your hand. i didn't take it because that would mean i could take you down with me, even if i wasn't even sure if i could love you that way. so, i bailed out...even before you had your real chance to show me why i should take that walk with you. i asked you to let go of me even before you could reach for my hand.

i hope you know i hurt for you...but i will not add insult to injury by letting you know that i care because that might confuse you. talking to you might lead you to think i am that kind, wonderful person you thought i was...that person, i am not anymore. you deserve to at least see that, to hate me and move on without hearing me explain away the hostility you feel for me. and so, i won't even ask for your friendship...because sometimes it's either-or. there just couldn't be gray areas, not for us...not now.

i could say maybe it would have been better had we not tried, had we not allowed ourselves to cross that line...because our friendship was really dear to me. i could say that but i won't...because i'm quite certain the things we've been through served some purpose. yes, i know, some hurtful purpose it was. now, as i'm about to end this i say a fervent prayer that you live your life the way you always did...caring for people in your own way, not caring whether people misunderstood you. caring just enough but staying away just in case someone decides to hurt you...just in case someone like me judges you as if you've never really shown that you also have a heart that bleeds.

yes, i saw that in you. you think i was oblivious to it but i felt that too. and still i ran away...maybe because i was scared that we are both too human, after all. maybe because i don't really want to be with someone who feels as much the way you do, who felt for me the way you did...because i can never give back...even if you never really asked me to. maybe, i didn't want to give you a chance to ask because i will never be in a position to deal with you as honestly as you do with me. turns out i was the one who couldn't let myself be weak the way i asked you to...

Follow Through

(G. DeGraw)

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I, haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

These real emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So,since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
oh what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday

So since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

ember

september finally ended and i woke up at the foot of mayon. well, almost...i had the privilege of staying some eight kilometers away from the majestic. ang ganda talaga, parang panaginip na parang painting. sa kabila ng kawalan ng kuryente at pananalanta ng bagyo hindi man lang nabawasan ang pagkamangha ko sa Bicol, at sa Mayon. salamat kay che at sa kanyang pamilya, andaming nakakaaliw at bibong chikiting at matinding bogchi. pero ang pinakanakahuhumaling talaga ay ang surreal na eksena, umaga man o gabi.

maswerte ako dahil naabutan ko pa ang crater glow. panalo talaga yung pakiramdam habang nakatanghod sa liwanag sa tuktok ng bulkan. ang lamig pa ng hangin galing sa dagat. napakabilis lang nung experience pero ecstatic ang pakiramdam, parang on drugs. alam ko paulit-ulit lang ang sinasabi ko pero that shows how or what i am now...in awe, in love with the Albay night. tapos, sa umaga naman, ang backdrop nung tatsulok ay asul, pula at kahel. sakto sa pagmumuni-muni, kasing sanguine ng emosyon.

sana makabalik ako dun ulit, next time may dala ng camera. magja-jog ako sa dalampasigan. nung weekend naupo kami sa breakwater at ninamnam ko ang kadiliman at ang contrast na dala ng kalayo sa mga kalapit na bahay. sa susunod makukunan ko na ng litrato ang simbahang gawa sa adobe, ang sentro, at ang komunidad na ang kultura ay kasing yaman ng edad nito. biruin mo, naitatag ang pamayanan na iyon nung 1749 pa. amazing, di ba?

mabilis na natapos ang affair with Mayon, nag-umpisa at natapos sa loving from afar. pero panalo talaga, andami kong napakawalan at iniwan na sama ng loob at pagod sa biyahe. andaming napulot at natutunan tungkol sa sarili sa bakasyon. at ngayon, nandito ako ulit...looking forward sa mga bagay na hindi ko man lubusang marurok ay patuloy kong inaasam, sa mga mala-bundok na pagkakataong nakakatakot subukin pero exciting na akyatin.

fight na ulit! =)