moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

becoming

i like being me right now.

i like it that i'm "gaining weight"(mwehehe!), even if everyone says the gaining should stop right about now.hehe. :) you see, i've been a skinny kid for uhm....twenty four years or so. now, i'm no longer skinny. i'm no longer a kid. you couldn't begin to imagine how refreshing that is for me.

i must admit that the extra weight makes it harder for me to fit into my clothes. but that's okay because i've been wanting to change my wardrobe into more "adult and presentable" from just kiddy and casual. hopefully,my friends would stop telling me that i wear shirts they used to wear in gradeschool(small in size and complete with garfield and disney character images).

it's becoming a little costly and i'm starting to become lethargic again. but i won't let my now sedentary,now be-fed-like-the-guest-of-honor nature of work/lifestyle impose how my health and energy level will be. more than ever, the academic oval calls on me. i haven't jogged around it for quite a long time now. i've "prepared" for my comeback quite well. i bought running shoes(both authentic and porma-lang-pretend-to-run) using my first paycheck. they've been parked at home since. they only got testrun when i walked around the sunken garden during the up fair. that's about it.

i'm excited, and challenged. it seems like my metabolism has changed drastically. or, it could be that i just really let myself pig out and binge on alcohol(oddly, i don't like it that much now) since the last sunday of the bar exams. eating and drinking have been sources of pleasure, and welcome distraction when work has become absurdly taxing. don't get me wrong, though. i love what i do. i love it more that my passion translates not only to good compensation but to a constant sense of fulfillment as well. here's where the no-longer-a-kid part comes in.

it's been a struggle for me...trying to ascertain what job would fit my competencies. i'm lucky to have realized early that i didn't want to just have a job, be employed. i wanted to, cheesy as it is,find my niche as an advocate. it has always been that way. of course, the need to earn and be financially secure has to be satisfied. but the greater purpose just cannot be ignored. u.p. kasi e. i guess it won't be easy to triumph in the struggle, especially if the definition of "triumph" easily changes with the practical considerations of family life and bouts with hedonism. oh well, i'll try to do what i can before i get disillusioned. (better yet,i'll try not to get disillusioned and i'll try to be more creative in terms of economics.)

i like being an adult and being able to realize that i am one,entitled to a lot and responsible for a lot more. it's true,what i used to hear when i was a kid...it's not easy. it entails a lot of hard work. it requires being able to take care of yourself. it translates, at least it should, to accountability and resilience. last monday, i have officially entered my late twentys. the birthday itself wasn't extraordinary at all. i was in iloilo, by myself, to attend the meeting. i had to stay for eight hours at the mall because my ticket reservation was for the afternoon flight. i was ready to go by nine in the morning.

i was delighted to realize that i was really enjoying myself. i didn't feel sad or bored. i was actually having fun having a lot of me-time. i strolled, window-shopped (i didn'timpulse buy.refreshing change!), and watched two movies. i was thankful that i got to do this because it has been eons since i last went to the moviehouse. it never crossed my mind how odd it must have seemed for the ticket seller and the ushers to see me transfer from one moviehouse to another like i was just at home. i had a grand time. =)

so at five in the afternoon, i flew back to manila. i used to be really scared of flying (bad experience involving failed engines and nasty air pockets) but this time i was calm and happy as marijuana. i know it sounds so trivial but it represents so much more than it seems to. during the flight i was thinking about death and closure, fulfillment and forgiveness, times of pleasure and pain, self-realization and relevance.

i felt happy when the plane, wobbly as it was, arrived in manila. i looked at my pasalubong bags and realized how i thought of family and friends the whole time i was swimming in the waters of guimaras and buying mangoes. i was happy to realize that on my birthday, i didn't think about how many people remembered (i used to obsess about this :) ) or the gifts my cousins and brother bought for me. i looked forward to being able to be with them that night. i felt joy just knowing that my family has been together all these years. suddenly,i saw how my parents raised us well and how my cousins, brother , and i stuck together all these years...despite the distance and the crazy schedules.

i wasn't able to spend time with friends on my birthday but they all wished me well. i am lucky to have the kind of friends i have. they never got impatient with me, even when i got so depressed i didn't even recognize myself. they listen when i need to feel self-important or when i felt like scum of the earth. they talk when i feel lost or when i'm being just plain stupid. i know all this sounds blah and makes one say so-f*ckin-what, but this is momentous for me...being able to see what's important in life, being able to see that everything else is garnish. dispensable,footnotes to the epic of a life of contentment and love.

so, we come to that...love. it still is the end-all and be-all. loving yourself a little more. seeing love for what it really is,and not just how you want it to be. opening your eyes to see what's always been there...your family who don't let go even if you push them away when you want to be free and your friends whom you start to hate when they get ballsy enough to tell you you're being idiotic. being an adult means having to have the courage to admit when you've become too selfish or foolish. being an adult means being brave enough to see that you don't always have to go it alone and being gutsy enough to welcome the changes that adulthood brings with it, even if everyone but you sees things differently.

i am 26, bursting at the seams, and (secretly) liking it. i am a struggling adult, advocating for the seemingly impossible, and passionately pushing forward. i am a complete,content person, appreciating my family and friends,and very much excited with the possibility of love and the promise of the late twentys.=)

i hereby welcome adult life and all the pleasures which are mine for the taking (and binging).