moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Friday, May 28, 2010

rain on me

looks like it's going to rain.i feel a little tired. i want to get drenched with my eyes closed the whole time. i feel like walking aimlessly. somehow, i believe, that will make the road ahead clearer.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


i am usually patient and understanding, by nature's design i guess. or, maybe because i've seen through my years that when cooler heads prevail the outcome is usually better. but at this point in life-mine as an adult- i have finally realized why it also helps to just let go and get angry...especially when anger and no other emotion is called for. it actually feels liberating, to recgonize that i am entitled to be angry and to let it all out.

it just amazes me how people can actually believe they could cross lines and not hear the person on the other side cry foul. there was one such incident where i was simply stupefied by the exchange going on between myself and a friend. actually, it was not a dialogue at all. it was a sermon, addressed to me. a sermon on a matter which, I believed and still do, to be rather off limits so to speak. it was a lecture on my life and what i should do about it. the best part was that, i was the audience. astounding.

i don't usually get mad but this time i felt the emotion build up. surprisingly, i was still pacified. probably because i was incredulous more than i was furious.

(long writing pause)

i planned on writing how angry i was, am. i planned and did that until the last sentence where i wrote "pacified" and realized that my anger had already dissipated. no. why? i wanted to hold on to that anger for a while. because i don't get angry often. because i know i SHOULD get angry often.

maybe i NEED to take anger management classes. i think my coping mechanism for anger( and whatever other lesser or greater form or package rage comes in) is much too efficient for my own good. it doesn't allow me to get to that place where i get to be eruptive and volatile. it doesn't give me that satisfaction one gets when he/she gets to say wrong, hurtful, illogical things. it doesn't let me freak out, leaving my companions clueless and in a state of panic. this effective mechanism keeps me too sane and never provokes me to let myself go,never ever. and i hate it.

hate, hate, hate. who am i kidding? it's all just words. i don't get to absolutely hate a person. that probably is an indication of mental sickness. that should be an offense. why the hay can i not just think ill thoughts about people who treat me shabbily. why do i believe in people's good faith all the time? why can i not just switch personas and be sinister and scheming and mean for just one day? why do i always forgive people even when they do not deserve it. i WILL put a stop to this. some f'n day.

epiphany (with pipe-in zen music). this must be how a doormat feels. maybe i have been a diplomat too long. it's high time for selfishness. it's a good time to stand up and be accorded the respect i have always given and spreaded around. CROSS ME NOT.