moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Friday, May 18, 2012

I haven't been here before, I haven't felt as demotivated like this. But life's message cannot get clearer: You simply have to earn it. There are no short cuts. You cannot just think "I am invincible and strong". You cannot go fast forward and skip the tedious details. You have to go through the steps like everybody else. No matter how good you are at winging it, no matter how bad you are at staying where you feel stagnant. Now that I am here, dejected but clarified, I grab the chance to educate myself.

Friday, May 28, 2010

rain on me

looks like it's going to rain.i feel a little tired. i want to get drenched with my eyes closed the whole time. i feel like walking aimlessly. somehow, i believe, that will make the road ahead clearer.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

CROSS ME NOT

i am usually patient and understanding, by nature's design i guess. or, maybe because i've seen through my years that when cooler heads prevail the outcome is usually better. but at this point in life-mine as an adult- i have finally realized why it also helps to just let go and get angry...especially when anger and no other emotion is called for. it actually feels liberating, to recgonize that i am entitled to be angry and to let it all out.

it just amazes me how people can actually believe they could cross lines and not hear the person on the other side cry foul. there was one such incident where i was simply stupefied by the exchange going on between myself and a friend. actually, it was not a dialogue at all. it was a sermon, addressed to me. a sermon on a matter which, I believed and still do, to be rather off limits so to speak. it was a lecture on my life and what i should do about it. the best part was that, i was the audience. astounding.

i don't usually get mad but this time i felt the emotion build up. surprisingly, i was still pacified. probably because i was incredulous more than i was furious.

(long writing pause)

i planned on writing how angry i was, am. i planned and did that until the last sentence where i wrote "pacified" and realized that my anger had already dissipated. no. why? i wanted to hold on to that anger for a while. because i don't get angry often. because i know i SHOULD get angry often.

maybe i NEED to take anger management classes. i think my coping mechanism for anger( and whatever other lesser or greater form or package rage comes in) is much too efficient for my own good. it doesn't allow me to get to that place where i get to be eruptive and volatile. it doesn't give me that satisfaction one gets when he/she gets to say wrong, hurtful, illogical things. it doesn't let me freak out, leaving my companions clueless and in a state of panic. this effective mechanism keeps me too sane and never provokes me to let myself go,never ever. and i hate it.

hate, hate, hate. who am i kidding? it's all just words. i don't get to absolutely hate a person. that probably is an indication of mental sickness. that should be an offense. why the hay can i not just think ill thoughts about people who treat me shabbily. why do i believe in people's good faith all the time? why can i not just switch personas and be sinister and scheming and mean for just one day? why do i always forgive people even when they do not deserve it. i WILL put a stop to this. some f'n day.

epiphany (with pipe-in zen music). this must be how a doormat feels. maybe i have been a diplomat too long. it's high time for selfishness. it's a good time to stand up and be accorded the respect i have always given and spreaded around. CROSS ME NOT.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

walking about

i walk out of palma hall and rush down the steps. i cross the wide street and find myself seated at the libe walk. i ask manang carmen if she has gudang garam red and she tells me "bawal na ngayon e." i look around and see immediately how drastically things have changed. the acad oval is a one way street now and joggers and bikers now own half of my favorite street in this whole wide world. that and my favorite friends are not with me in this tambayan of ours. we have all left diliman and went on to make good on our promises of becoming pantas and doing each other proud.

these days i'm on pause mode and i keep on rewinding scenes and scents, hoping to retrieve feelings of vibrance and lightness. hoping to catch, bottle up, and bring with me that essence of youthful carelessness we must have somehow imprinted on the rickety columns of our tambayan. but all i could get are these convoluted words and this bottleneck sense of emotional constipation. i just can't get there, not without friends laughing at and with me or the trivial concerns i had when i was a carefree citizen of peyups. so i walk towards the coop and eat fish balls before checking out the familiar yet newly dressed stalls. i find school shirts designed by fine arts students and some cheap thrills in my favorite nook which now has this commercial zing.

i step out of the stall, book and shirt in hand. i look at the faces coming my way and see people who bask in the sunshine the community provides. i see classmates looking forward to malling and shopping. i see friends taking a break from the seemingly all important exam week and coaxing each other for a coffee or beer break. i see lovers slithering against each other's body, unmindful of the rest of the world which simply does not understand their passion. i see people like me who just couldn't get enough of love and life in the university. i see kindred souls who do not mind that they could not as yet grasp what lies ahead, outside this commune. i see strangers whom i consider friends simply because we share the zest for this UP spirit which simply refuses to leave, seemingly knowing in the heart of their being that something else was, is created in you once you step in here. never mind the number of times you'll attempt to step out.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

28 thus far

here are some things i would like to bring with me and not forget...
even when my body gets old..
and my soul tired.

1. i was born to responsible parents. papa gave up australia for family. mama left cebu for the same reason.

2. the first song i sang at 2 years old was "it might be you".

3. we moved to laguna when i was 3. i loved the gasera illuminated nights. i was taken care of by my cousins while my parents were at the office.

4. when i was in nursery, i asked my cousin what the english word for "inaaway" is (as we were not allowed to speak in filipino). i told the teacher, "teacher, my classmate is quarreling me". that was the start of my fascination with the language.

5. when i was in kinder 1, i was promoted to prep. i still remember the speech i delivered during pre-school gradutaion. that was the first time i ever used the word camaraderie.

6.i had swimming, ballet, piano, and voice lessons during the first half of my elementary years. i must really be a slow learner or simply ningas cogon. there was a failure to fan the flames, obviously.=)

7. i was an EDSA enthusiast early on. for a social science project i compiled clippings on and photos of corazon aquino.

8. i've always been an evening person. i remember finding it difficult to rise early and watching political satires and comedy shows until late night.

9. i learned owning up and being responsible for consequences of one's actions early. there was an incident when a classmate was injured when we went out of the school premises during recess. her guardian scolded me. i was surprised but i just shut up and wised up after that.

10. one of my favorite teachers ever is my adviser in fourth grade, mrs. lorenzo. looking back, it's because she always treated her students with respect while remaining firm and competent. i still place high value on these attributes to this day.

11. i discovered i was good at writing during the latter part of elementary. i enjoyed editing myself and breezed through composition writing and 'malikhaing pagsulat'. it was also at this time that i discovered i was a weakling in mathematics. haha, these facts would later on determine a lot of things in my college and adult life...

12. i also had my first real crush during this period. i had all these wonderful guy friends whom i did not regard with even the slightest malice and i ended up crushing on some boy, simply because he had cat eyes.

13. i entered into adolescence one saturday during my first year in high school. i was on my way to paco park for a group practice. i was clueless but fortunate enough to have worn red shorts. i went home to las pinas and researched on the matter-at-hand. paco park would later turn out to be very significant and memorable for a lot of other reasons.

14. i started to volunteer for the schoolpaper and stayed on despite our temperamental instructor. besides, i preferred to be enslaved and to spend long hours to have my words see print than to sew hawaiian polo shirts i'd never wear or even have anyone else wear. i would still be writing for the schoolpaper 11 years later, though i'd be grappling with a little more than temperaments and ideologies...

15. in the same year i found myself joining CAT just because i was bored to death while waiting for our school service to leave (at 7pm when my dismissal was at 5pm). i somehow forced myself to stick with the program and ended up becoming personnel and adjutant officer. i didn't believe it myself, i've always considered myself physically weak. i guess scoliosis and osteopenia paled in comparison to my will to kill boredom. i earned discipline, good friends, and a lot of mockery from my barkada...i'd do it again. yes, even the duckwalking in the rain.

16. for college, i applied for admission at up, ateneo, and la salle. i got accepted in all three schools. i was inclined to enrol at the ateneo. i had a full scholarship, after all. then my mother encouraged me to go to up instead. i okayed, thank god. i admire ateneo (and ateneans) and all but i am just really iskolar-ng-bayan material, nothing but.

17. i tried to become an engineering student (as my friends were all taking up engineering courses) and miserably failed. hehe. =) buti na lang, i had enough foresight to know it wasn't for me. so, i either dropped the eng'g courses or didn't take them altogether. thus, i learned curriculum planning as early as my first sem in diliman. thank god i made those timely decisions. otherwise, i would have spent 8 years for my undergrad..a sad and hopeless endeavor.

18. i transferred to social sciences and philosophy and took political science. again, another wise and fortunate choice for me. this was the start of "treading the right path" for me, if there is such a thing. um, at about the same time i got into my first "serious' non-platonic relationship. taught me a lot.

19. by the time i was about to graduate, i learned about infidelity and vengeance. let's just say i welcomed myself to the dark side. =! not without lesson and purpose. (this was also the period when i met my first vehicular accident. fractured left clavicle, first-hand experience with selective amnesia. this experience, ironically, educated me on composure and faith.)

20. at 20, i graduated from college and completed my first degree. i had some regrets because i could have earned some latin honors for my parents but failed to....to be exact about it,i stupidly did not even go for it. i'm just not an ambitious person. i have always had high hopes for society though...at this time i was introduced to dormitory life and got to meet my most mysterious relationship partner. pampelikula.

21. i applied for and was admitted to up law school. damn lucky...or probably just fated to serve. anyway, i would somehow manage to finish law school. these four and a half years of my adult life brought out the best in me and made me see why potential should be made kinetic. i also gained really good friends during these trying years.

23. in the interim, my batchmates from high school have all graduated or transferred or went on AWOL. we remained (and still are) tight-knit and made sure we'll have get-togethers for christmas, birthdays, and other triumphs (or heartbreaks). these high school friends would--later on- be sharing my life in many ways and in ways i never imagined possible. they are the people who know me best.

24. i applied for the university paper again and founnd myself working with my (college school paper) editor for the second time. i challenged myself to become deserving of the post given to me and i experienced one of my most harrowing moments during this time. i also had the chance to practice conviction and was able to test my tact and patience. one of my proudest and trying life phases...

23. just before the bar exam, i got really tired of everything and needed a break. i went to my cousins' place (as we always did during summers) and just spent time with them, without books or boys. i just allowed myself time to be and did not hold back. as always, our (extended) family gave me comfort and support. i was able to somehow reconnect with my cousins after (all of us)having been preoccupied with law (medicine for them) and love and life. i'm proud to say that we all did good though...i was also able to bond with the most OC person i know and help him find his passion, this artsy-temperamental brother of mine. he finally found his culinarian corner, i hope he would soon claim his niche in this world.

24. i took the bar exam in september of 2006. the results came out in on april 3, 2007. i came from my cousin's dental clinic (and quiapo church) and went to robinson's place. my mother and cousins went with me to the supreme court. not being able to stand the pressure, my mother wanted to go home ahead of us. we said okay. a few minutes after she left the sc premises, she went running back with a piece of paper in her hand.inarbor nya sa media yung advance copy. and there, under letter "D" was my name. she was teary-eyed. i was dumbfounded, lucky freak. i sat myself down and remained silent as my cousins rejoiced and the others-in-waiting looked on. 'lawyer na ako, shit," i whispered to myself.

25. i sent out application letters to a number of ngo's belonging to the alternative law groups which i just chanced upon in the internet. even before graduation i wanted to try developmental work. i got accepted in october, 2006 and i stayed on for almost three years. i was right about the kind of work i wanted to do. fulfillment,freedom, and service. that's what i was afforded. i was able to contribute to legislative and judicial victories for the marginalized and learned quite a number of realities about the system, the possibilities of change, and the instrument that i could be for such change.

26. i went on a retreat and found myself again. i had a run-through my life and was able to appreciate my family more. i was able to thank my stuck-with-you-but-i-don't-mind friends and made new ones. i forgave myself and saw that i have always been one for leaps of faith. i asked god to hold my hand again...and he never let me go.

27. in my second year as alternative lawyer, i met this nonchalant and seemingly self-assured guy. we came across each other every now and then and we became acquaintances. a year passed and he remained just that to me. a very trying case and a coalition-wide conspiracy after, we found ourselves "dating". some of my friends didn't like him at first, probably because they didn't know him. heck, i didn't know him much either. all i knew was that this guy called me to congratulate me for passing the bar and to greet me on my birthday...and then on one drinking session at a resto-bar, he got up during videoke time, greeted me a 'belated happy birthday'(a month after my birthday) and congratulated me for passing the bar, and then sang a song. he didn't talk to me after that night until a year hence. i was puzzled. and he would be puzzling me some more because he would become my boyfriend, co-counsel, and husband after we travel to and fro mindanao, march through luzon, and realize our (extended) families had been neighbors in visayas since we were children.

28. at 27, i bore our bouncing baby boy, kai perry. fortunately, we were both in manila for our campaigns and cases. lovingly, janjan took care of me and helped me breeze through nine months of anticipation and anxiety. life decided to change its landscape after that. i found myself deciding to de-stress and chosing dedicated motherhood for a while. as told to me by a friend who always brings her own sunshine, "gawin nating simple ang buhay". and so, i am ready to change scenery, take on another job which would still lead to "otro mondo es posible", and give myself and my family a whole lotta loving.

with that, i pause and take a rest. i am quite satisfied with this, quite happy with myself. god has obviously worked in my life and i sure hope he would continue guiding this old soul in going on further.#

Friday, August 28, 2009

bathing nostalgic

there were dim lights and there was dancing and singing. i was happy. i had that chance to enjoy a blissful bath again. nothing fancy. just a house with no one else around, where i can walk around bare. just a cd player near the bathroom, with surround sound. just me and my thoughts...and the candles and the citrus soap. i felt good and relaxed. AND FREE. so free, in fact, that I was reminded of my days (almost a decade of them) in UP. i'm at a time in my life where i have the luxury of looking back (and probably going back) to places and things and people which/who made life a joy, filled my heart with bliss, and serve as bookmarks for life chapters which to me are constant and ready reference.

i'm on a leave from the workforce and yet, i still find myself busy with all sorts of research matters [aka raket =) ]. and with big plans and small dreams in between. i've been wanting to go to UP, just to walk around, with my bare feet against the earth and my face against the wind (and the big trees nurturing my soul). just so i could get back some of that energy i must have left behind when i graduated four years back. and go to places i frequented with friends who are now far and away but still very much at heart. i've been raring to go but i, instead, content myself with checking out how friends are through facebook and looking up what's new with UP through google. talk about lethargy.

my stay in UP (in Diliman) was a space and time where i gained friends, conviction, affirmation, courage, and non-negotiable self respect...which I bring with me everyday to everywhere, to refuel with spunk whatever version of believer I am and will become in the coming days and opportunities. the inspiration would probably never run out, last me a lifetime, and help revive me whenever I feel like I'm running on empty.

hmmm, my stomach feels empty. i'll snack on soya milk and some leftover cake. turns out there's no cake to eat. but there's chocolate suman. ah, life is good...a nice bath, comfort food, time to rest, and good memories of friends with whom i'd be delighted to have coffee, good conversation, and laughter again...maybe when they(those who are abroad) get back or when I get to visit them (who are near but for some reason I don't get to see), no matter how distant that future time will be. i'm looking forward to sharing things, places, and moments again with them...

somewhere along Matalino or Maginhawa St.; at the Elliptical Circle, at McDonald's Philcoa, at the Padi's Point bar on top of McDo; in UP: at the Ipil kiosks, the Main Libe walkway, the sunken garden during Fair Week, the academic oval, at the Melchor Hall, AS Steps, and at the Bocobo driveway, at Sarah's or Gulod; in Cubao: during UAAP games at the Araneta Coliseum, meals and movies at Gateway; along Tomas Morato or Timog: at Coffee Bean, the old Nescafe Cafe at the Scout Rotunda, at Pepeton's; at/in my favorite places: the ampitheatre near the Oblation, at the steps near Manang Babe's stall, at the CASAA, at the Palma Hall kiosks, and in that spot at the back of the Main Library, under those giant, gentle trees just when the sun is about to set...

i want to get back to those places. i need to appreciate those kindred spirits again. I wish to take hold of those times and always have them with me. and those things i shall do through this log of plans and hindsight, dreams and nostalgia, and great moments and gratitude...today, i'll be walking the halls of UP again... to breathe in whatever that was that made my UP moments some of the best in life. to get some more of that candles-citrus-and-down-time-bliss i've been holding at bay.

Friday, April 11, 2008

unlimited edition

in a few weeks time it would be a year since i've officially become a lawyer. that make me look back and ponder about a lot of things. after all, life has changed a lot. a whole lot. but, as of this hungry moment all i an think about is the gift i got from my parents on my oath taking. they bought me a new music phone which also happened to have a carl zeiss camera.

a few months after i got the phone i lost it. in a courtroom in marikina. for a hearing set for a case that wasn't even mine. on a day when i was supposed to meet my law friends for coffee. during a season of life when life (or my take on it) was all too bright and sunny.

that day i went back to m apartment lost and very disappointed at myself. because i had to reconstruct and recollect things for this lapse. my phonebook, my planner, my memories. but the main thing, really, was...i hated myself for losing that thing which my parents happily gave me (i guess) for making them proud.

as i threw myself on to my bed, i stared at the box which used to house my "limited edition" phone. then, i cried. i was heartbroken. because the gesture of my parents meant a lot. and now it would seem like i took it for granted. like all the other gestures, grand and generous, my parents did for me (and my brother) throughout our lives.

when the crying stopped i called my father who --despite obviously wanting to lash out at me- simply told me to relax and asked me if i were okay. this made me cry all the more. there i was, a grown up...a lawyer who just participated in and witnessed the litigation of juveniles accused of all sorts of felonies...crying like a baby for having just lost something symbolic of my parents' love and being comforted by them about it.

it's almost been a year. a lot of things have changed about and around me...my concept of lawyering, my principles, my status, and perspective. only one thing has remained constant...i am (more) in awe of how my parents can be as giving as they have always been. i remain inspired by the capacity of a parent's heart to expand. i am thankful for having been born to parents who never get tired of nurturing the child in this adult they have raised.

congratulations to me for one year of being an advocate. appreciation to my parents for decades of discernful rearing and relentless loving.

Monday, December 10, 2007

On Sumilao

This case is simple and ought to have been resolved a long time ago. The law is clear and the facts have been determined—and put into Memorandum- by none other than the DAR officials mandated to do so. Indeed, this is very much a case about due process and social justice as it is a case of application of the black letter of the law. And, on all counts, the law, its precepts, and rationale tilt in favor of the farmers of Sumilao, Bukidnon.

Regard for due process would have been manifested best by the early resolution of the Petition for Revocation of the highly contentious Conversion Order, not by an extended time for resolution which is both a surplusage and injustice. The said Petition was filed in November of 2004, more than three years ago and the responsibility to decide the case has been passed back and forth. The parties to this case have been heard and heard well. The only thing lacking is a decision on whose side the law is on, a duty which this Department has long absconded from performing. After three years of pendency, the case has been further prolonged by the three days for the submission of what have already been of cognizance to this Office, with or without the remand.

Due process is violated when the parties are not given an opportunity to be heard and, equally, when there is a prolonged, unjustified delay of the determination of the case. Because time does not pass without consequences. Because decades of unjust deprivation of, and exclusion from their land puts to death the livelihood of a whole farming community. Because years of continuous and unpunished violation of the temporary and conditional permits for change use emboldens the grantees to disregard the law. Because weeks of an exhausting and frustrating campaign for justice crushes the dignity of the farmer as he is ignored by the very authority he has respected and sought protection from. Because days of inaction and indecision translates both to hunger and anger. Because due process is respect for the rights of the parties and not a convenient excuse for buying time when the authorities are grappling with political will to set the crooked straight.

The strict implementation of the rules on conversion is based on the policy of preserving and utilizing agricultural land for its optimum use. The rules have been written with clarity precisely to avoid situations where landowners are granted conversion orders and continue to so escape coverage from CARP even if they do not have the intention nor ability to abide by the conditions and mandatory timeframes attached. This Office cannot encourage circumvention of its own rules—crafted out of expertise- by allowing parties to bypass rules and evade coverage from CARP with impunity. Otherwise, landowners will continue to resort to wasteful and illegal conversions and to pass the buck on to others who will conveniently and unlawfully violate the law with impunity as well. The simplistic assertion of lack of knowledge on the encumbrances of the title falls flat on its face when juxtaposed with the fact that the related previous case was of public knowledge and that the transferee has always had at its disposal resources, and connections at that, to investigate the background and status of the subject land. A status that is undeniably intricately intertwined with the Higaonon farmers and the prime, agricultural nature of the irrigated land located in Sumilao, Bukidnon.

At the expense of seeming to lecture the implementer, it is but imperative to reiterate that the subject land should have been, in the first place, non-negotiable for conversion. But final as the grant of the conversion order has become, the only material question thereafter was whether or not the conversion order was complied with and in case it was not, what remains is not a question but an imposition, a legal command—immediate revocation of the conversion order and coverage of the subject land. Absent such authority—temporary and conditional- to convert, or the proper and timely actual conversion of use, there no longer exists any reason for DAR not to cover it under CARP.

And, what of social justice? This Office is, or ought to be, highly acquainted with the concept because it is this very precept which resulted in the establishment of this Office and which justifies its continued existence. The 1997 Philippine Constitution, cognizant of the historical inequities and of the role the government plays in addressing the latter, mandates implementation of a genuine agrarian reform program. And so, said mandate has been fleshed out by law and rules. It is but ironic how the farmer is forced, after engaging all avenues of justice, to walk through predominantly similarly situated lands of the country to be able to rectify the wrong done them and reclaim their rights.

This case is rather simple. It is about applying the consequences of non-compliance with conversion rules. It is about not allowing an entity to convert the use of the land if it was not granted, and did not even apply, for the authority to do so. It is about executing the mandate of the Department—cover agricultural lands in excess of the allowed area if there is no reason to otherwise exempt it. The case is easy and is only complicated by hesitation, hesitation which will inevitably crumble before the legal and moral impetus it stubbornly struggle against.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

it has finally sunk in

and now i can afford to have this moment. i'm just not sure about the clarity, whether or not it will come to me here. it's all been a blur, the past three months or so. through all the frazzled days, i've managed to stay sane and centered. floating but centered.

i've allowed myself to be this buoy, unanchored yet knowing clearly where it's headed. after all, the oceans have always been kind to me, kind but not necessarily gentle. because of that i have grown to welcome the raging storms of life.

and now i'll have to end this moment because it clearly isn't a lucid one. actually, it's lucid as much as it is sober. and yet i am happy as much as i am incoherent. and for that there's only you to thank. and me, for letting you in and on to the buoy...even as all we have is this titanic shot at sinking.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

forbiddance

on the eve of a farewell
i let you hold my hand firmly
dusk settles the day's worries
but the moon sees my heart in shambles

gently it reveals stirring in the shadows
as i let go of my sanity and lose myself
thoughts shackled and orphaned feelings

i ask you a question with my eyes
you refuse to surrender and turn away
the evening sounds are hushed
the moment bound and held at bay

pining for something that stays out of reach
i decide that the waiting has to stop
summon forth my heart to teach
to let free this burden drop

the evening is a blanket around me
my solitude waxes and wanes
the stars gather fondly
watch warmth as it drains

the breeze wrestles away
the vain hopes of the day
as my words are lost
in the silence of our estrangement
we should know the cost
of keeping hearts in fetters.

*co-written with a seat mate in law school
...we were bored
.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

the universe says

"Things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum in one of your newest relationships -- because this is a mature partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of how to treat another person. Get ready for some new allegiances to be made, all of which will be challenging but rewarding. This is a person you can truly rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you. Let people from your past stay in your past."

If you say so. =!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

in need of allspark

i had a nice time at the movies. i bit my fingers, haven't done that in a long time now. i felt like a kid, still do....giddy and thrilled to see the protagonists win over the evil destroyers of the human race. i was struck with awe by the generosity of the lead robot, mighty dignified and towering over the others...in form and more importantly in righteous selflessness. hehe. :) transformers did that to me and most certainly to a lot of other fans as well. but i didn't really log in to talk about that.

hm, watching that movie made me miss a lot of things from my childhood. made me miss being oblivious (and affording that) the most. i miss waking up in the middle of the night and reaching out for my lola. i miss not having to worry about being late for school or about having to skip breakfast. i miss getting scolded for eating lunch very late and being forced to sleep in the afternoons. i miss staying up late to watch political satires that were then beyond my comprehension. i miss saying "good night" to my parents who had to be in bed early because they had to be up by 5, at the latest. i miss watching my parents drink coffee like it was a pre-game ritual (the objective of the game apparently was to give the best for the kids.). i miss opening my ears to the sound of early morning news and opening my eyes to the now unfamiliar ceiling of my room. i miss staying with my parents...i miss being a resident at home.

i am now a transient in our house. i've actually been one since...let's see...after high school but it is only now that it dawned on me. i have not stayed home for longer than a week, except during bar review when i couldn't keep sanity on my own. i stayed at home for only three weeks--restless, sleepless, and frazzled. and yet very much welcome, by my parents who couldn't quite comprehend what the hell was going on in my head during that bleak phase. i was welcomed even by the dogs whom (they deserve this, my parents regard them as substitute kids) i always failed to feed as i dozed off in between pages of reviewers. well,my brother welcomed me but was not too happy about my erratic sleeping and eating habits. and now, i let him stay in my apartment and took him away from my parents' home as well.

i managed to leave our house and bring all of my clothes with me. i bring home some stuff every now and then but nothing among those really are me anymore. the shoes and clothes i bring home are those i bought on impulse and just find useless. my room, it just doesn't have that identity it used to. now, all it is is a stock room for piles of paper associated with burden, non-returnable belongings of exes, and stuff that just cannot be dealt with in the immediate future.

this saddens me. the fact that presently i just cannot find refuge at home...not because of rearranged furniture or because of unwelcoming people but because of the stranger i've let myself become to its walls and windows and corners which used to hear my fears and echo my giggles. i have grown up away from my core, i let myself and my childhood refuge grow apart. i failed to make sure that i'd be able to put my trembling hands against my room walls whenever i've been shaken by harshness. i forgot how to let my worries rest when i go to the rooftop to see the cars speed past through the highway. i let myself outgrow the sturdy bedside table i used to pound whenever i had my heart broken. i simply let myself forget about home and how it kept me unaffected. i let myself forget how i was always attached to it no matter how many moons passed, no matter how people tried to tell me life was otherwise.

i miss our house, and the awe i used to feel when i was inside...secure and uncompromisable. i miss getting out of the little steel gate feeling all warm, looking forward to the next time i can reassess if all my fences are still in place. i miss running home, excited to see lola attend to my little brother whom i no longer treat as such. i miss rushing to my parents' room, eager to hear my father's opinion about the news (i now find myself cutting him short, specially when our topic of conversation is politics.). i miss snuggling by my mother's side at night, happy to hear about her day at work and to eat the sweet beans she always brought home. i miss being led to my room after pretending to doze off because of a long, hard day at school (because now the days are long and hard but the dozing off is real).

i miss being able to feel nice just believing the world was made up of optimuses and megatrons(it's not that easy to tell which ones are decepticons in real life), and that optimus prime's heart will always save the day. i miss being easily assured by acts of magnanimity and lives of integrity which were mainstays within but too easily deconstructed outside our four walls. um, i guess this was the kind of transformation that i really needed to talk about.

***(When a Transformer is "born," a single spark departs the Allspark and suffuses itself into the new Transformer body, giving it true life and soul. When the Transformer then reaches the end of its life, the spark departs its body and returns to the Allspark; all the knowledge that the Transformer acquired and all of its life experiences are contained with the spark, and they are added to the totality that it the Allspark.- Teletraan I)

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

uncertain times

Sometimes there simply isn't any way of knowing. You just cannot be sure whether you made the right decision or not, or even whether or not you should have decided at all. Oh well, the only thing certain is that it's better to jump blind than to hang on to meaningless albeit safe certainty...sometimes.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

becoming

i like being me right now.

i like it that i'm "gaining weight"(mwehehe!), even if everyone says the gaining should stop right about now.hehe. :) you see, i've been a skinny kid for uhm....twenty four years or so. now, i'm no longer skinny. i'm no longer a kid. you couldn't begin to imagine how refreshing that is for me.

i must admit that the extra weight makes it harder for me to fit into my clothes. but that's okay because i've been wanting to change my wardrobe into more "adult and presentable" from just kiddy and casual. hopefully,my friends would stop telling me that i wear shirts they used to wear in gradeschool(small in size and complete with garfield and disney character images).

it's becoming a little costly and i'm starting to become lethargic again. but i won't let my now sedentary,now be-fed-like-the-guest-of-honor nature of work/lifestyle impose how my health and energy level will be. more than ever, the academic oval calls on me. i haven't jogged around it for quite a long time now. i've "prepared" for my comeback quite well. i bought running shoes(both authentic and porma-lang-pretend-to-run) using my first paycheck. they've been parked at home since. they only got testrun when i walked around the sunken garden during the up fair. that's about it.

i'm excited, and challenged. it seems like my metabolism has changed drastically. or, it could be that i just really let myself pig out and binge on alcohol(oddly, i don't like it that much now) since the last sunday of the bar exams. eating and drinking have been sources of pleasure, and welcome distraction when work has become absurdly taxing. don't get me wrong, though. i love what i do. i love it more that my passion translates not only to good compensation but to a constant sense of fulfillment as well. here's where the no-longer-a-kid part comes in.

it's been a struggle for me...trying to ascertain what job would fit my competencies. i'm lucky to have realized early that i didn't want to just have a job, be employed. i wanted to, cheesy as it is,find my niche as an advocate. it has always been that way. of course, the need to earn and be financially secure has to be satisfied. but the greater purpose just cannot be ignored. u.p. kasi e. i guess it won't be easy to triumph in the struggle, especially if the definition of "triumph" easily changes with the practical considerations of family life and bouts with hedonism. oh well, i'll try to do what i can before i get disillusioned. (better yet,i'll try not to get disillusioned and i'll try to be more creative in terms of economics.)

i like being an adult and being able to realize that i am one,entitled to a lot and responsible for a lot more. it's true,what i used to hear when i was a kid...it's not easy. it entails a lot of hard work. it requires being able to take care of yourself. it translates, at least it should, to accountability and resilience. last monday, i have officially entered my late twentys. the birthday itself wasn't extraordinary at all. i was in iloilo, by myself, to attend the meeting. i had to stay for eight hours at the mall because my ticket reservation was for the afternoon flight. i was ready to go by nine in the morning.

i was delighted to realize that i was really enjoying myself. i didn't feel sad or bored. i was actually having fun having a lot of me-time. i strolled, window-shopped (i didn'timpulse buy.refreshing change!), and watched two movies. i was thankful that i got to do this because it has been eons since i last went to the moviehouse. it never crossed my mind how odd it must have seemed for the ticket seller and the ushers to see me transfer from one moviehouse to another like i was just at home. i had a grand time. =)

so at five in the afternoon, i flew back to manila. i used to be really scared of flying (bad experience involving failed engines and nasty air pockets) but this time i was calm and happy as marijuana. i know it sounds so trivial but it represents so much more than it seems to. during the flight i was thinking about death and closure, fulfillment and forgiveness, times of pleasure and pain, self-realization and relevance.

i felt happy when the plane, wobbly as it was, arrived in manila. i looked at my pasalubong bags and realized how i thought of family and friends the whole time i was swimming in the waters of guimaras and buying mangoes. i was happy to realize that on my birthday, i didn't think about how many people remembered (i used to obsess about this :) ) or the gifts my cousins and brother bought for me. i looked forward to being able to be with them that night. i felt joy just knowing that my family has been together all these years. suddenly,i saw how my parents raised us well and how my cousins, brother , and i stuck together all these years...despite the distance and the crazy schedules.

i wasn't able to spend time with friends on my birthday but they all wished me well. i am lucky to have the kind of friends i have. they never got impatient with me, even when i got so depressed i didn't even recognize myself. they listen when i need to feel self-important or when i felt like scum of the earth. they talk when i feel lost or when i'm being just plain stupid. i know all this sounds blah and makes one say so-f*ckin-what, but this is momentous for me...being able to see what's important in life, being able to see that everything else is garnish. dispensable,footnotes to the epic of a life of contentment and love.

so, we come to that...love. it still is the end-all and be-all. loving yourself a little more. seeing love for what it really is,and not just how you want it to be. opening your eyes to see what's always been there...your family who don't let go even if you push them away when you want to be free and your friends whom you start to hate when they get ballsy enough to tell you you're being idiotic. being an adult means having to have the courage to admit when you've become too selfish or foolish. being an adult means being brave enough to see that you don't always have to go it alone and being gutsy enough to welcome the changes that adulthood brings with it, even if everyone but you sees things differently.

i am 26, bursting at the seams, and (secretly) liking it. i am a struggling adult, advocating for the seemingly impossible, and passionately pushing forward. i am a complete,content person, appreciating my family and friends,and very much excited with the possibility of love and the promise of the late twentys.=)

i hereby welcome adult life and all the pleasures which are mine for the taking (and binging).