moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Hinubog ng Ulan

Dahil sa dumalaw na naman ang tag-ulan,
Naisip kita at ang mukha mo.
Sa pagsalit ng kulog at kidlat
Pinangarap kong mahawakan ang kamay mo.

Sa kabila ng lamig, dilim at takot,
Napadama ang init, ibinahagi ang liwanag
At pinawi ang takot; Tinuligsa ang yabang
Hanggang sa nagkaisa ang mga bisig.

Sa kinang ng mga mata, nangusap.
Natuklasan ang masalimuot na mga damdamin-
Poot sa nakaraan at pasasalamat sa pagkakataong
Puksain ang pangungulila at pagkabalisa.

Hala, napukaw na ang tinabunang pananabik
Sa tahimik na pagdadampi ng mga katawan at labi.
Yinakap kong muli ang iyong hubog at tamis.
Tinanggap ang kahinaan na bumuhos kasama ng ulan.

(Masalita, komplikado at maraming kakulangan...
maihahalintulad sa mayakda. Umuulan na naman, sarap)

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Farewell to Waiting

If I were to wait
I would not
Be happy with
The world you left
To crumble and turn
Upside down just like
The sanity you used to
Help me keep

It started fading
Away as you went
In search of yourself
and your destiny
Which sadly proved
To be in another place

And under the jealous guard
Of someone who need not
Know, endure how it is
To pine, this long and in
Futility, it has to end
The longing has to stop


Saturday, June 04, 2005

Ten's Little Pleasures

Odd how it feels to be me at this point in time. Today my body makes me feel like a stranger. It feels as if I slept with a very frail, tiny body and woke up with a more frail yet bulkier frame. Not that it matters but the extra surface makes even standing up or sitting down become a task. Hair grew longer but the texture still reminds me of high school senior year when having it cut ought to have been a monthly thing. Face bears more lines which should bother me but, for some reason, do not. Legs feel weary after a few hours of walking on uncomfortable (dress code) heels. Feet threatening to resemble ginger. Very tempting to feel old...or unnecessarily older but I just somehow end up relishing the moment.

There, moment has passed. Yes, I'm older now. Somewhen between "odd" and "now" I officially recognized I can no longer be a kid. Aaah, in a while I will breathe in everything that comes with the realization.


Wait a little more...


Nothing. I still feel like a little girl inside. Sure, things are more complicated and people tend to become more phony. Regardless, I am still let down by the same things. And, I still find joy in the little things I have claimed as my own refuge since I was the clueless Ten. Here's a list of happy things I transferred from a 'mental note to self' (just in case the i'm-an-adult-now-effect kicks in anytime soon):

1. Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies (and lollipops, 'candy lips&bubblegum tongue')
2. Magnolia Ice Cream, Rocky Road (looking forward to sharing a cup with my best
friend who thinks 'Vanilla is the finest of the flavors')
3. Manggang hilaw + bagoong (or salt, rapsa! *lalo na yung bigay ni Lola)
4. bente uno with cousins (or seesaw with Baby Batching)
5. blue shirts (and jeans...jackets-never leave home without one)
6. the beach (and sand, but nowadays beer is a must)
7. the swimming pool ('whenever there's a pool there's always a flirt'...)
8. the stars (viewed from the Sunken Gardens now)
9. candles (in the bathroom...solace; fire and ice)
10. Lion bar (Twix, Toblerone, and chocnut!)
11. crying like a baby when overwhelmed with emotion (absolute cleansing)
12. flowers by the roadside (sunflowers along University Avenue)
13. sleeping! (HEAVEN)
14. telephone conversations (even when words could not be found)
15. kites (at the track oval...the feeling of floating away)
16. crayons (and photographs...nostalgia and learning)
17. biking (and ice skating..things that scare you and yet make you bolder)
18. TV! (FRIENDS and The Wonder Years, going places you've never been to, enriching
character through strangers' and friends' life lessons)
19. the rain (pagligo sa ulan, pagyakap habang umuulan, kape sa kamay, medyas sa paa)
20. sunlight (through your window, bringing forth shadows and helping you rise above)
21. balloons (that lift you up and moments that teach you how and when to let go)
22. music! (no life without it)
23. movies (that are not afraid to tell you how life really is)
24. friends =)
25. leisurely baths (and time for yourself alone..amidst strangers, despite friends)
26. cakes (and everything that tastes rich even beyond your first bite)
27. kids/ babies (moments when you don't know whether to laugh at them or make them
shush...wanting to raise one of your own)
28. singing (with your eyes closed, having talent and knowing lyrics and otherwise)
29. dancing (even if inappropriate because you just can't resist...being your
own drummer)
30. writing (no matter how terrible you are at makes you feel damn good!)

Those are the very basic sources of delight for me. Going through them again, I realize that I can still be crazy about every item without having to jeopardize being an adult. I guess I 'd just have to accept the fact that a tiny part of me will never grow old with the world. I simply refuse to believe that growing up entails giving up on Ten and her little pleasures.