moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Wicked Bind

I don’t think you will understand. I guess you don’t know me that well anymore. Don’t worry. You didn’t fall short on efforts to keep the friendship, to keep in touch. It doesn’t really matter…the fact that we haven’t talked for quite some time now. It’s not too difficult for me to understand why you think I have become a stranger to you. I actually feel estranged myself. I even think you can help me find myself again.

This could just be a crisis of some sort. I don’t want to give a name to it because doing so will make it seem worse. There was nothing jolting or significant to mark its beginning, this crisis. It gradually snowballed and just surprised me one morning. That day when I woke up and felt sad the moment I opened my eyes, I knew something was terribly wrong.

It was not, it still isn’t, easy to identify what particular thing or event it is which bothers me. Whatever it is, it agitated my careless existence and left me restless. I am guessing that thing suddenly made me realize that I am an adult already. I am supposed to act accordingly but I have refused to let this sink in for too long a time now.

Actions have consequences. Rules exist for a purpose. I have let myself believe that it’s okay to blur the lines every now and then. I failed to respect boundaries and conveniently shunned away absolutes. I was too good at justifying I even convinced myself. For the first time I am thinking aloud and recognizing that I was wrong. I have crossed the line. I can’t deceive myself further by offering excuses.

These past few days I have suffered too much enjoyment I couldn’t handle it. I have confirmed the hard way that too much of anything is really bad. I lost my grip and hit the floor hard, big time. Only when I was incapacitated did the realization dawn upon me. I am becoming the person I have struggled not to be even acquainted or associated with. That is an awfully sad and scary thought.

I am clueless on how to get back to the point where I trusted myself enough not to ruin people’s happiness, including mine. I guess knowing that something is wrong is a good first (baby) step. However, to straighten things out, I will need more than one moment of clarity. Here is where you come in. I expect you to be bigger than all my fears, weaknesses and hurts...or at least just strong enough to help me understand and forgive myself. Can you do that for me? Could you be that for me?

I know I may be asking too much from you. If you can’t say yes then please just stay here a while…just a little longer. I just don’t want to end up finding comfort in this estrangement with myself. At least, don’t tolerate me when I tell you that you don’t know me enough to judge me. That’s bull. And, unfortunately, I have also become good at bull. Seize me by my shoulders and shake me until I wake up from this wicked bind I’m in.

*Not meant to be deciphered.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

(unfinished and untitled poem)

on the eve of a farewell
i let you hold my hand firmly
dusk settles the day's worries
but the moon sees my heart in shambles

gently it reveals stirring in the shadows
as i let go of my sanity and lose myself
thoughts shackled and orphaned feelings

i ask you a question with my eyes
you refuse to surrender and turn away
the evening sounds are hushed
the moment bound and held at bay

pining for something that stays out of reach
i decide that the waiting has to stop
summon forth my heart to teach
to let free this burden drop

the evening is a blanket around me
my solitude waxes and wanes
the stars gather fondly
watch warmth as it drains

the breeze wrestles away
the vain hopes of the day
as my words are lost
among the thousands of our mentors
we should know the cost
of keeping hearts in fetters.