moment of clarity

warning: this contains truth and fiction. the lines are meant to be extremely blurred.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

the universe says

"Things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum in one of your newest relationships -- because this is a mature partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of how to treat another person. Get ready for some new allegiances to be made, all of which will be challenging but rewarding. This is a person you can truly rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you. Let people from your past stay in your past."

If you say so. =!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

in need of allspark

i had a nice time at the movies. i bit my fingers, haven't done that in a long time now. i felt like a kid, still do....giddy and thrilled to see the protagonists win over the evil destroyers of the human race. i was struck with awe by the generosity of the lead robot, mighty dignified and towering over the others...in form and more importantly in righteous selflessness. hehe. :) transformers did that to me and most certainly to a lot of other fans as well. but i didn't really log in to talk about that.

hm, watching that movie made me miss a lot of things from my childhood. made me miss being oblivious (and affording that) the most. i miss waking up in the middle of the night and reaching out for my lola. i miss not having to worry about being late for school or about having to skip breakfast. i miss getting scolded for eating lunch very late and being forced to sleep in the afternoons. i miss staying up late to watch political satires that were then beyond my comprehension. i miss saying "good night" to my parents who had to be in bed early because they had to be up by 5, at the latest. i miss watching my parents drink coffee like it was a pre-game ritual (the objective of the game apparently was to give the best for the kids.). i miss opening my ears to the sound of early morning news and opening my eyes to the now unfamiliar ceiling of my room. i miss staying with my parents...i miss being a resident at home.

i am now a transient in our house. i've actually been one since...let's see...after high school but it is only now that it dawned on me. i have not stayed home for longer than a week, except during bar review when i couldn't keep sanity on my own. i stayed at home for only three weeks--restless, sleepless, and frazzled. and yet very much welcome, by my parents who couldn't quite comprehend what the hell was going on in my head during that bleak phase. i was welcomed even by the dogs whom (they deserve this, my parents regard them as substitute kids) i always failed to feed as i dozed off in between pages of reviewers. well,my brother welcomed me but was not too happy about my erratic sleeping and eating habits. and now, i let him stay in my apartment and took him away from my parents' home as well.

i managed to leave our house and bring all of my clothes with me. i bring home some stuff every now and then but nothing among those really are me anymore. the shoes and clothes i bring home are those i bought on impulse and just find useless. my room, it just doesn't have that identity it used to. now, all it is is a stock room for piles of paper associated with burden, non-returnable belongings of exes, and stuff that just cannot be dealt with in the immediate future.

this saddens me. the fact that presently i just cannot find refuge at home...not because of rearranged furniture or because of unwelcoming people but because of the stranger i've let myself become to its walls and windows and corners which used to hear my fears and echo my giggles. i have grown up away from my core, i let myself and my childhood refuge grow apart. i failed to make sure that i'd be able to put my trembling hands against my room walls whenever i've been shaken by harshness. i forgot how to let my worries rest when i go to the rooftop to see the cars speed past through the highway. i let myself outgrow the sturdy bedside table i used to pound whenever i had my heart broken. i simply let myself forget about home and how it kept me unaffected. i let myself forget how i was always attached to it no matter how many moons passed, no matter how people tried to tell me life was otherwise.

i miss our house, and the awe i used to feel when i was inside...secure and uncompromisable. i miss getting out of the little steel gate feeling all warm, looking forward to the next time i can reassess if all my fences are still in place. i miss running home, excited to see lola attend to my little brother whom i no longer treat as such. i miss rushing to my parents' room, eager to hear my father's opinion about the news (i now find myself cutting him short, specially when our topic of conversation is politics.). i miss snuggling by my mother's side at night, happy to hear about her day at work and to eat the sweet beans she always brought home. i miss being led to my room after pretending to doze off because of a long, hard day at school (because now the days are long and hard but the dozing off is real).

i miss being able to feel nice just believing the world was made up of optimuses and megatrons(it's not that easy to tell which ones are decepticons in real life), and that optimus prime's heart will always save the day. i miss being easily assured by acts of magnanimity and lives of integrity which were mainstays within but too easily deconstructed outside our four walls. um, i guess this was the kind of transformation that i really needed to talk about.

***(When a Transformer is "born," a single spark departs the Allspark and suffuses itself into the new Transformer body, giving it true life and soul. When the Transformer then reaches the end of its life, the spark departs its body and returns to the Allspark; all the knowledge that the Transformer acquired and all of its life experiences are contained with the spark, and they are added to the totality that it the Allspark.- Teletraan I)