TINX, NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION

Fifteen minutes to twelve. I can't force myself to exert even minimal effort to study at this moment. I am overwhelmed by the task ahead of me. It is debilitating, the sheer amount of time and energy everything will require of me. 

I know that I will eventually have to face it but before I carry on, I shall seek inspiration. And so, I write. 

I came out of the short vacation a happier person than I was before, or even during, the holidays. I don't know why exactly but I have a clue. I am guessing I felt refreshed after meeting up with my old friends, from different circles and periods in my life. The vacation was not just a time to pig out and sleep all I wanted, it was a time to rebond with estranged friends...and ultimately with the part of me I forgot checking on. 

Being with old friends reminded me how I was before. I am still the same person but many fragments simply got away with time and change. It made me happy to be around people who knew a version of me who was better at loving life and enjoying herself. I realized I used to be more playful and sunny. I would be ecstatic if one day I woke up with even half the spirit I used to have in high school. 

My lame excuse would be that I am a grown up now but that would be total bull. I simply let myself be reduced to an adult who plays safe, swallows routine, and takes what is given. I went through major changes these past few years,all right. Age could have made me stronger, wiser and more responsible but it has taken away what I loved most about me- passion and unpredictability. 

Reflection and redirection, those are the greatest things one gets out of vacations. It is not really the absence of work but the way by which knowing that you are on vacation imposes upon you the duty to contemplate things over. It is the way by which the finality of one year of your life lets you "leave the past behind" and another serves as the bearer of "new opportunities". 

Come to think of it, the new year only changes a digit in our calendars but the significance we give to it comes from the fact that we all need a little push, a visible sign, to start making things better. My new year didn't start as good as I would have wanted it. My first week went crazy but what the heck, there are still eleven other first weeks of the month. What it really takes to make me move and improve myself is one big dose of nostalgia and hope. Nostalgia of how beautiful things used to be and hope for better things to come. That and the harsh realization that all I really have is now. This is the only moment that is here for me to seize. And so, I shall respond. 

Of course everything I said could just be part of my new year motivational speech addressed to myself. Nevertheless, I felt a surge of animo a for a few minutes there. That is good enough for me. At least I know that when I want to, I could be as driven as I (imagine to) have been when I felt younger. One of these seemingly ordinary days I will rise up against my now bored-and-just-getting-by self and miraculously upgrade into the perky-and-revolutionary person i want to be. 

Half past twelve... ...still nothing magical happening but at least I was able to write down my thoughts. Will I succumb to mediocrity once more? I don't have to answer now...or, do I? I'm too tired. I guess I will sleep this over first. Big decisions need to be thought over, you know. And so, I shall embrace the most appealing routine I have had a love-hate relationship with all my life- slumber. Who knows, when I wake up in the morning the world might just be welcoming the new and improved Tinx, 2005 version.