tandayan

when i was a kid,there was a period of time when every night, before i go to sleep, i would cry. i cried because i was scared of losing my parents. i cowered at the thought that one day i would have to live my life apart from them. i never figured out what triggered that. that phase is probably a normal part of childhood.

i never had the chance to tell my parents about that fear. i just made sure they wouldn't hear me. the crying spells went on for a few weeks...i just tried to assure myself, "it's gonna be okay. they will always be there to watch over you until you're ready to be on your own." one night, i just stopped crying. i guess it was at that point that i actually started to look forward to one day becoming an adult, willing and able to take care of myself.

here, now...i am actually supposed to be one...an adult who's self-sufficient. besides, i'm now entitled to take care of my own affairs, enjoy my independence and complete free will. i am to relish everything that comes with this label...supposedly. somehow, i find myself wishing i could go back to that time when i would snuggle beside my parents when i got scared or sad. sometimes, when i get tired of being an adult, i wish really hard that even for just a second i could be that helpless kid again...crying out of fear and neediness. at least, as a kid i allowed myself to cling with all my might to my parents' protective love. now, i just use all my might to try and let go of all my weakness. problem is, i just don't have that strength to be strong enough on my own.

maybe it's time to realize that even an adult needs to get weak every now and then...that "on my own" need not be the goal. maybe the pretention makes me weaker now than when i used to cry like a baby. maybe strength and independence do not necessarily have to be mutually exclusive.

maybe it's about time i let somebody hear me crying...