couldn't

okay, here's the deal. i am sorry. and i hate it that i cannot tell it to you personally...more sorry that i had to break it to you that way. you may think i was such an ass, that i used the bar as a convenient excuse...that i probably took for granted the friendship we had. there's no use trying to be the good guy. i just wanna say i know i hurt you and that you didn't deserve that....but i'd hurt you more if i let you give more time, more of yourself to me. because...

because i couldn't give you what you need from me. because i was all confused and scared, and maybe weak. honestly, i can't say if i was selfish for not ending it sooner...i guess i just wanted to give it a chance. but everything--the circumstances, the person that i've become, my responsibilities, my history, the things i wanna stay away from, the issues i no longer want to deal with...all those things and a lot more got in the way. these are not excuses, though. i'm sure you'll mock the lame attempt at explanation...but i'd give that to you. at least that.

you can mock, hate me, and doubt my sincerity all you want. but that's all i have for you...i am sorry for hurting you. i know that won't change things. i wouldn't dare ask for more from you. i won't ask you to forgive me, because in that case that would be for me and my peace of mind. and that's not what i want. what i want is for your hurting to stop...because i know how hurting hurts, how pain is too painful sometimes. i just really wish you'd find the person who'll finally listen to you and see the real you. i can't be that person. i'm not brave enough to tread that path again, the path where being in a relationship means having to work for it...having to take risks...and being vulnerable to all that is hurtful though beautiful.

i used to be that person, giddy, warm, and sensitive. now, i'm just not. and i will not be able to forgive myself if i ever even just asked you to wait for me to be that person again. because the world still is bright and promising to you. you offered me that chance to see things in that light again, if only i'd take your hand. i didn't take it because that would mean i could take you down with me, even if i wasn't even sure if i could love you that way. so, i bailed out...even before you had your real chance to show me why i should take that walk with you. i asked you to let go of me even before you could reach for my hand.

i hope you know i hurt for you...but i will not add insult to injury by letting you know that i care because that might confuse you. talking to you might lead you to think i am that kind, wonderful person you thought i was...that person, i am not anymore. you deserve to at least see that, to hate me and move on without hearing me explain away the hostility you feel for me. and so, i won't even ask for your friendship...because sometimes it's either-or. there just couldn't be gray areas, not for us...not now.

i could say maybe it would have been better had we not tried, had we not allowed ourselves to cross that line...because our friendship was really dear to me. i could say that but i won't...because i'm quite certain the things we've been through served some purpose. yes, i know, some hurtful purpose it was. now, as i'm about to end this i say a fervent prayer that you live your life the way you always did...caring for people in your own way, not caring whether people misunderstood you. caring just enough but staying away just in case someone decides to hurt you...just in case someone like me judges you as if you've never really shown that you also have a heart that bleeds.

yes, i saw that in you. you think i was oblivious to it but i felt that too. and still i ran away...maybe because i was scared that we are both too human, after all. maybe because i don't really want to be with someone who feels as much the way you do, who felt for me the way you did...because i can never give back...even if you never really asked me to. maybe, i didn't want to give you a chance to ask because i will never be in a position to deal with you as honestly as you do with me. turns out i was the one who couldn't let myself be weak the way i asked you to...