*

i've been hanging in here for quite a while, being the formidable person that i am supposed to be. i've been holding on and keeping my pace...lapping towards wholeness. everyday, i bear with it. everyday i push further and fight against lunacy...because i was told that that's the way to gratification.

if only i could halt, drop everything and run away from this tired day...i'd go and stay by the sea. there, i could freely feel all the pain that binds me and finally let go. the pursuit for security would stop because the stars will shine brighter than all doubt. my imbibed,phony toughness will reveal its brittleness against the sand. my soul will let its shackles fly with the wind, and the boundaries of the mind will flow with the waves. the water at my feet would tell me there's no need to catch up...because the world will not change despite failure and brokenness. that day by the sea would witness me shedding pretention and embracing fallibility.

the sun is as tired as i am. at the end of the day, the ocean fetches it and lets it rest easy. because every now and then the sun should break free from its proud brightness. because sometimes, damp and cold is how life ought to be. because we don't always have to feel warm and keep dry. because it's okay to have life suck. most of the time life is easy but it makes little sense. and there are times when it couldn't get anymore difficult but it makes perfect sense. it's just a matter of taking it all in, and letting go.

i will let go, maybe not soon enough...but i will get there. and when i do, pain would have settled down and taught me what it yearns to. that when you are given what you really need you tend to throw life away. that when you go after what you ought to be, you easily get distracted by what you want at the moment. i am still quite far from that day when i can romance with my past and welcome the freer version of me. for now, i'd content myself with the flicker of the candle light and the suffocating duty of self-assurance. i would take comfort in the not-so-gentle raindrops and the fierce habit of auto-correction.

the ocean beckons but i'm just too strong to give in. it won't be long until i let this world i'm keeping together crumble. it's gonna cave in...not just yet. but when it does, i'll be glad to finally feel small again. because having to be bigger than everything coming my way is just insane. because imposing wholeness upon myself just doesn't feel right. obligatory strength and prescription sanity just don't make me feel happy. and, what is sanity and strength good for if you ain't happy?